Northwind Theatre
by Moonlight M3lody
Summary: Welcome to Northwind Theatre! Loads of bloopers, gameplay parody, and various ridiculous scenes from Suikoden II. Even in a war we can fit in a few laughs...
1. And the Deity Bestows You Fortune

And the Deity Bestows You Fortune

"Good morning, Jude!" greeted the young Lord, running happily towards the statue maker. "Welcome back, Lord Riou. "Anything interesting along the way?" to which Riou replied with a grin. He extracted a roll of parchment from his backpack, handing it to Jude. "I found this on the way back."

'Rabbit Plan #4' was written in bold at the top of the page.

"Great, my Lord! We can begin constructing the Guardian Deity!" He shuffled the miscellaneous items across his desk to make room for his Guardian Deity plans collection, examining each carefully. "We've got enough plans."

"Um...,"mumbled Riou, scratching his head lightly."What's this Guardian Deity thing anyway?"

Jude waved his hand enthusiastically, emphasizing his explanations,"It's a statue built with legendary Guardian Deity models. They're said to grant you fortune if you can complete one."

The young leader's interest was piqued. "So how can we make it?"

"You pick the design and I'll do the rest. Here, choose amongst the plans we've collected."

"This," said Riou, marking the parts he chose. Jude studied his leader's choices, and frowned slightly. "Rabbit head, Dragon body, Dragon leg, and Rabbit tail...are you sure, your highness? It's an unique taste indeed..."but he didn't comment further and instead stating that 'we should proceed accordingly' and that Riou could check for the result in three days top.

Three days later...

"So what did Jude build?"Asked Nanami, curious as her brother walked to the main hall, waiting for the secret project to be revealed. "A Guardian statue, or so he said. Legends said that it'd give us fortune." Light lit on her eyes. "Ooh, I wonder what we would get! Hundred thousand potch falling from the sky..." Riou sweatdropped as his sister grinned dreamily.

At the main hall most of the castle's occupants were already present, waiting Jude to remove the canvas cloth covering the mystery statue. Upon Riou's entrance, Jude bowed, signaling him to be the first to see the final product.

"And here it is!" exclaimed Jude, pulling the cover in a quick flourish. The crowd cheered, ignoring the strange design. Riou moved forward to examine the rabbit head, and was showered with light. Jude watched them with highest interest.

When the light dissipated, Riou was holding some sort of urn in his hand. He froze, jawdropped. "What's it, my Lord?" asked Jude. Riou ignored the question, instead turning to his sister, handing her the object. "Isn't this... the pottery you made in Kyaro?" He could recognize the horrid shape from afar, another creation of Nanami's 'creative' hands. He awkwardly strung the words together, eyebrows creased, deliberately refraining from adding '_one of your many failed urns'_. Nanami took it and turn it over. "It is! Look! I engraved my name on its base!"

The crowd went silent.

"Didn't I leave it in Kyaro? How did it come here?"

_"What did the Deity try to tell me?" _thought Riou.

Rumor had it said that he ordered the statue to be disassembled the next day following Nanami's exclaim that she'd continue her 'talents'.

A/N: I can understand money, rune, wine, celadon urn, and other random items, but how on earth personal work was in the list? Well, the Guardian Deity construction yields many weird outcomes. Quick introduction with this project: It'll consist of separate oneshots parodying various aspects of the game. Mostly under 300 words-small scenes that makes you laugh.


	2. The Cost of Probability

**The Cost of Probability**

"Shu, Emilia has finished the monthly expense report," Apple reported, making her way to Shu's study.

"Ah yes, how kind of her to help with the accounting. I'd like to see it now."

Some time passed until Shu called one of the guards. "Can you ask for Lord Riou's presence? I'll wait for him in my room."

Said boy appeared not so long after, knocking on the wooden door with utmost pleasantries. "Come in. My Lord, I've been looking forward to your visit. Please sit down."

Riou obeyed, though unsure what to say. Shu had never been easy to read. His strategist walked towards his bookshelf and pulled out a leatherbound book, which after some squinting read 'Monthly Expense'.

He had a bad feeling about this.

"So, what's this entry called 'Probability Cost'? It's rather big." He inquired.

Silence.

The young leader answered meekly,"Well, you see... Shilo had been very good lately..."

A/N: After some experimenting in other fandom, I find that regular update keeps my morale high, so this will be updated every Friday. Tell me if you have idea or remembering more Suikoden II oddities. Poking fun on the plothole or various gameplay mechanics. I hereby recommend Suikoden V comic anthology for more laugh.


	3. Why the Strategy is Left Undone

**Why the Strategy is Left Undone**

Shu cleared his throat, gaining back attention from the army members, stopping for a full effect before continuing his presentation. Today's topic was forming a plan against Highland's incoming troops, expected to arrive in a week. He had said there was a new idea to test out that day.

"So,"he began, making sure he was heard,"We'll make use of our existing resources. We have a teleportress here who has proven to be very useful in travelling missions, so we're going to deploy it in larger scale."

"She'll teleport an entire squad to Radat for an ambush while we deal with troops coming from Muse. If situations arise, Viki will teleport everyone back to the castle."

The plan incited various reactions and soon the hall was filled with buzzing voices. Some people, however, retreated to the back of the crowd, whispering in impending worry. "Do you think this would work?"Futch asked to his Toran Liberation fellows. Flik shrugged, trying to keep his cool, but he was not too happy with the plan either. "She sent me to Kalekka without blinking mirror two years ago. A big no-no,"grunted Viktor. Luc formed different excuses not to be sent in the dispatched troops. Humphrey shook his head. The rest was either weighing the options or considering playing with devil's luck.

"So how about it? We'll have a simulation to see if we can work this out. Be ready tomorrow morning and Lord Riou will pick the parties."

So the meeting was dismissed that way. Flik and Viktor exchanged awkward glances, before approaching their leader.

"Lord Riou, may we opt out from this try-out?"He asked politely. No matter how he tried to mask his real concern, Riou seemed to see through it. However, given his experiences with Viki, he did know what was troubling his usually fearless warriors. "Good grief! I give my pity to whoever goes with you tomorrow, sorry. My best advice, make sure you bring that mirror with you."Viktor patted Riou's shoulder and ran off at once.

The next morning Shu arranged the troops to be sent to different areas around Southwind and Radat. It went well at first, but at the sixth try, Viki rubbed his nose. Futch and Luc, who were unfortunate enough to get chosen, tried to save themselves though not in time as she sneezed with a big,"AAAA-CHOOOO!"

One day after the squad's disappearance, Apple rushed into Shu's office, desperate and panicked.

"We got a letter from Radat's item shop owner. They don't seem to be happy,"she said gravely.

The strategist put his quill aside."What does it say?"

"Twenty of our members are currently being jailed in Radat for invading their second floor out of the blue and picking items they placed in their treasure chest..."

A/N: Isn't it neat if we can use Viki to teleport the enemies somewhere or moving the army for instant ambush? She'll be a real gamebreaker if not for her...weakness...*cough*


	4. Sometimes a Leader Needs to Unwind Too

**Sometimes a Leader Needs to Unwind Too**

"Alright. We shall begin the strategy meeting in ten minutes. Where's Lord Riou?"

"He said the cook-off is not over yet, Lord Shu."

"So this matter should be attended as promptly as possible. Where's Lord Riou, Apple?"

"...Dancing with Karen..."

"Concerning the sudden movement of Highland troops, we shall dispatch our troops to...Where's Lord Riou?"

The question gets old too quickly.

"Fishing with Master Tir."

And Shu vowed not to get involved with anything serious led by a teenage boy ever since.

* * *

A/N: Any ideas? Spotting bloopers? Feel free to state it in your review! Thank you for everyone following this series!


	5. I Figure Out You Might Need a Manual

Sunny day for Dunan Castle. No battle in near future and perhaps no more battle to fight in, with the peace conference coming up in a month. They'd travel to Muse next week, but in the meantime, Riou explored the regions scouting for potential recruits.

It was almost as if there was no war taking place. Coming back to the castle from his stroll in Forest Village, Riou was welcomed by Oulan and Meg, who were chatting excitedly before he came.

"Hiya Lord Riou! New member?" asked Wakaba, examining the black clad swordsman behind Riou. Oulan took some spare glances, suspicious at his strange attire. Riou chuckled. He gestured to the newcomer. "Say hello to Pesmerga."

Pesmerga grunted and he walked away, ignoring others' reactions. Riou watched him until he disappeared by the fork, then started to apologize profusely to his friends. "He maybe a little bit odd, but I'm sure he can help us."

Oulan turned to face Riou. "Lord Riou, look, I might not be a better judge than you, but don't you think he's...strange?" Zamza approved with his nods. "I tried to tell that, but Lord Riou said he could join so..."

Riou sighed. How could he say that to them? Suddenly he saw bright red and green in his line of sight. The ex-leader of Toran Army joined their conversation rather suddenly.

"I think I saw Pesmerga. You brought him here?"

"You know him, Master Tir?" asked Oulan, not bothered at all by his sudden appearance. Tir nodded. "He was with us two years ago." To this, Riou was relieved. That man could be trusted, at the very least.

Wakaba scratched her head, pacing around before blurted,"I'm sorry, Lord Riou, but it seems that we have more weird people joining every day..." to which Nanami intercepted,"Hey! I wanna ask that too! How do you find those weirdos anyway? You went to Cave of the Wind with preparations, as if you knew."

Time to spill the beans, thought Riou, so he led them to the library, pointing to an old book. "Look, I don't know how, but they're all in that book. Including you, Oulan."

"What-Am I that famous?"

Clive, overhearing the commotion, went to check the source and was horrified when he saw his whereabouts was recorded in that book too. For a Guild member like him, that was a real shame. They trained hard, spent their lives so they could kill unseen.

_"Clive_

From the Howling Voice Guild Chasing a "woman". Be careful of his gun.

Oulan

Trying to rid Kuskus of a thief who preys on all-female parties.

Zamza

Seen in South Window. A master of magic and fists, he can also be seen in Toto.

Killey

Hunts for the secrets of the Sindar. Seems to be exploring in South Window.

_..._" Nanami read out loud. "Hey! He's right!"

"What kind of sorcery is that?"

Tir approached Riou, eyebrows raised. "You have it too? Two years ago I had two books listing names and places that turned out to be Stars of Destiny,"he said.

Clive snatched the book from Nanami, turning it over, looking at its worn-out condition. "I began chasing Elza two years ago, but this book couldn't be less than a decade old."

"Who-we should find who wrote them!"

After a heated debate and the help of spectacles, they eventually find a faded inscription at the back of the book. It was not clear enough to read, scratched in so may places, so in desperation they called Emilia.

"Could you restore this and see if we can read it?" requested Riou. Emilia nodded, promising to get back to him in three days span.

When the time had come all of them gathered in Riou's room, eager and curious. Emilia carried the book with another piece of paper. The room went silent for the revelation.

"We were able to guess it. A name, perhaps its author."

"Who is it? WHO is IT?" yelled Nanami.

The room went silent again when the name was announced. "Leknaat the Seer."


	6. Deal of a Lifetime

**Deal of a Lifetime**

"You met a swordsman at Drakemouth Pass?" She raised her eyebrows, intrigued. Riou nodded, recounting his brief encounter and the lasting impression it gave. "I'm sure he'd be a nice addition to this army,"he concluded.

"Have you tried asking him?" asked Lorelai, shifting a bit so Jeane's customer could pass before leaning her body to the counter again. "Yes," Riou hesitated, remembering the rejection,"But he said no. Something about not going to be involved in conflict or whatnot. He was munching so it didn't come very clear. This might be purely hypothetical, but I think he's actually interested, even only vaguely."

Something in that story definitely caught Lorelai's interest. The usually cynical woman was curious enough to talk normally, without hint of sarcasm for once. "You said he was able to save you in one strike?"

Nod.

"Brown cape and black hair?"

Nod.

"Then I might help you. If I'm right, he won't say no to this,"she smirked. "Of course, we'll need some help from Hai Yo and Barbara."

Two days later Riou cheerfully reported back to Lorelai, bringing the new recruit along. The swordsman was taken aback by Lorelai's presence, while the woman was holding a grin, as if they knew each other before. Seconds passed before the swordsman spoke up.

"Lorelai?"

"Long time no see. Fancy meeting you here, Georg."

"So it was you."

"It was an irresistible proposal, wasn't it?" she said nonchalantly.

Feeling that their presences weren't required anymore, Riou and Nanami went outside. Just as they passed Gordon's trading shop, Nanami dragged him to the alleyway and whispered,"What did Lorelai advise to you?"

Her younger brother scratched his hair. "Offering an endless supply of cheesecake while he's in our army. That and daily allowance of cheesecake. He...agreed right away."

* * *

A/N: Idea by Fortune Hunter, thanks!


	7. Oxygen Intake Deficiency

**Oxygen Intake Deficiency**

"I'm sure we can convince that unicorn now. Afterall, who can beat Sierra in arguments?" he smirked, sorting his inventory to get rid of a dozen of failure urns. Nanami nodded, happy that her brother was in high mood that day and beside, having a unicorn in their party would be so cool. She hadn't meet it(him?) before as Riou had never bring her along, much to her dismay.

"And Sierra is very interested when I told her about it."

So the party set out to Kobold Village, having bidding goodbye to Yuzu. She still missed her sheep, but Riou already gave her many animals to take care of.

"Wait, Riou, there's a treasure chest right there!" Nanami beamed, pointing to something under the bush. They inspected the area at once. "How funny. I must have missed it last time we went here."

So they opened the chest with highest expectations, only to be greeted with a weak,"baa~baa~..."

"How did it end up there?!"

* * *

Big apology for my two-week absence. I was away and the WiFi in the hotel I stayed in was crappy.


	8. It's a Hard Business Nowadays

**It's a Hard Business Nowadays**

"It takes too much time to go back to the castle, so we might have to spend a night here," suggested Flik, facing the rest of the group, waiting for reaction. Viktor replied with a brash "No prob, it ain't so bad anyway." so they proceed to the nearest inn.

"Wait here. I'll handle the administration." He took out a handful of potch and stored them carefully into his pocket, making jingling sounds as he moved. The inn entrance opened with a swing and the owner greeted him with a cheerful ,"Welcome!"

"You'll be staying here?"

"Yeah, for one night. With some companions. How much that'll be?"

"How many people?"

"Umm...," he scratched his head, suddenly looked doubtful. "Four...?"

"In that case, it'll be 500 potch. This way please."

The thumping of her footsteps faded as some figures approached her inn, suspiciously looked like as if her place was invaded by a small army.

"Ouch. The doorframe is too small, mom, uh...what was that I swept?"

She went from suspicious to horrified. Four gigantic tentacles had just broken her prized vases and two more were hovering midair. Flik sweatdropped, signaling to his friends to stop and returned outside, but it was too late. The inn owner had just dropped to the floor.

"Rulodia, you're crushing me!" protested Viktor. The whole fiasco was so noisy that some people went down to see what caused the ruckus, including the inn mistress' husband, who practically fainted at the sight. One table was broken and an armchair was cracking in Rulodia's clutch in her attempt to take a grasp on the situation.

"Uh...guys? I think we should sleep outside today..."

* * *

I uploaded double chapters to make up for my late updates. The next chapter will be in Friday as usual. Not that funny? I'm kinda stressed lately.


	9. You Should Just Forget Your Raincoats

**You Should Just Forget Your Raincoats, or Umbrella for That Matter**

"Tir? Where are you going?"

The ex-leader turned around to face Viktor. He adjusted the tonfa on his back, gripping tight to the fishing set he was about to test. "Fishing, as you can probably tell," he stated matter-of-factly.

Viktor continued to examine him. "What do you bring here? An umbrella? Nah, you don't need this,"he said, taking it away from his backpack. Tir was about to protest, but Viktor cut him short. "Have you ever seen even a drop of rain when you're here?" Tir shook his head. "Well, you see, we it's never raining in Dunan. Nothing like Kalekka. We're just warm and sunny everyday,"he beamed. "Unless you're going to avoid Kindness Rain, which is stupid."

"Have fun!" So he left the baffled Tir.

Maybe he should ask Riou later.

A/N: Maybe my memory is just fuzzy, but I don't remember there's any rain occuring in Suikoden II. In Suikoden I we have Kalekka, so rain exists in the world of Suikoden. CMIIW.


	10. A Tale of a Long Time Ago

**A Tale of a Long Time Ago**

**IS 450**

"Lady Leknaat, can you tell me another story?"

"Can't sleep, Luc? Well then, come here. Do you know the Karakas Desert?"

"Yes. It has nothing but sand."

"A long time ago, there was another boy who asked the same thing to his master. Here is the story...

**IS 390**

"Master, why's this area so desolate?"Said the boy.

"Indeed. More than half of Senan area is covered by Karakas desert. No one knows for sure how this barren land formed. Some legends said it appeared in one night, devastating what used to be a lush pasture."

The boy was curious, but he said nothing. His master extended his hand.

"Come, Mazus. We shouldn't waste our time here."

So they walked across the desert, and time passed, until the boy, now a man, met his master again at the desert. But things were unlike they once be.

**IS 410**

"Mazus...so you're really going against me, your master? Who do you think has taught you everything you've come to know?"

"You should be proud, Master Crowley. To have your own disciple defeating you...Let this desert be the witness of your fall."

"Enough! Shall we begin?"

As they chanted their spells, particles of energy formed, surrounding them like curtain of light. They readied themselves to unleash the power of the runes, earth beginning to shake violently when suddenly someone appeared amidst the storm.

Realizing there would be civilian involved, they tried to stop their spells.

"Huh? Where am I? ...D-dust...everywhere...I...ACHOO!"

Too late.

**IS 340**

Dust. Fire. Cyclone. Darkness. Destruction.

They were so powerful that lake dried, mountains split and moved. And so the Karakas desert formed.

If you ask locals, they would tell you an outrageous story involving two confused mages and an childlike young girl, which was so innocent that the villagers swore she was almost angelic.

And a lot of dust."

"That's the end of the story? But who is that girl? I don't understand. She sneezed and they went back in time?"

"Oh, you will know when the time comes. Now, go to sleep, will you? We have a big day ahead."

**IS 456**

The black haired girl turned to face her companions, face red and regretful. "I'm sorry. Looks like I messed up again..."

Luc, having bailed out by Shu, groaned. Suddenly he wished he never showed interest to meet the girl in that story.

* * *

A/N: I hope you're not bored by Viki joke yet. This serves as some sort of epilogue to the chapter we have earlier, as tenth chapter celebration.


	11. Don't You Think the Song is Beautiful?

**Don't You Think the Song is Beautiful?**  
"We have a new performer for our theatre. She'll boost the troops' morale."  
"What will she do?"  
"Singing. She said she was separated from her band members, so when we find them, they might join us here too."  
"Sound like fun."  
"Isn't it? Okay, we're arrived. Now Nanami, meet Annalee. Annalee, this is my sister Nanami."  
"Hi!"  
"P-pleased to meet you. Do you want to hear a song, Lord Riou?"  
"Please do! She has never heard you yet."  
"Okay."

"Isn't it beautiful, Nanami?"  
"Huh? But, but, there isn't any sound at all! She doesn't say anything!"  
"Well, Nanami, only blessed person is able to hear it. Too bad, though. She's a terrific singer."

* * *

A/N: If you don't get the joke, in NTSC version of Suikoden II they removed Annalee's song for whatever absurd reason so she opens and closes her mouth like a fish needing air while we get to hear total silence. Then Riou would praise her, because he has special ears unlike the rest of us.


	12. A Wonderland of Food & Self-Sufficiency

**A Very Self-Sufficient Castle- The Case of Bottomless Pit**

"Yeah! I got another one, Yam Koo!"  
"Whoa, My Lord, Master Tir has actually taught you something!"

"Quite a haul today, don't you think? Wait... where are the whitefishes and squids I caught earlier?"

"They're in the kitchen. I bet Hai Yo's cleaning them. Ahh, I can't wait for supper."

"But...None of us moved from this spot since two hours ago..."

"Trade secret, Lord Riou. Trade secret. This is how we keep fishes fresh."

"Good morning, Yuzu!"

"Hello, mister! The cow and chicks are all grown up!"

"Didn't we eat chicken last night? How it can be that they're still around?"

"No, no! You're wrong mister. Just like crops, when you eat one, you'll get another one after some time!"

"Huh?"

"How's your crops, Tony?"

"Simply beautiful, Lord Riou. Thank you for giving me the chance to work here. Would you like to help me harvest them?"  
"Sure! Where's the basket?"  
"Oh, we don't need basket. Once you pick 'em up, they'll instantly go to Hai Yo's storage."

"How on earth-!"

"Trade secret, Lord Riou. One doesn't simply share his secret."

He often wondered what kind of thing would surprise him after living in the castle.

* * *

A/N: To everyone still following this story up until now, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, for sticking in this series to the very end, this poor excuse of my attempt at humor. Next week will be the last chapter.


	13. KONAMI Continuity

**KONAMI Continuity**

"You have a nice castle here. Isn't it, Gremio?"  
"Yes, Young Master. Very comfortable."  
"If you want I can guide you around. There's nothing to do until Shu finishes his strategy,"offered Riou.  
"Sounds like a plan."

They passed by a few guards near the library. Of course, being a well-known hero, the ex-commander of Toran Liberation was recognized by some.  
"Hello, master TcDohl."  
"Good morning, master TcDohl."  
Tir was stunned.  
"What was that?"  
"Um, they're calling you?"  
"But my name is Tir! Tir McDohl!"  
"Huh? But the library..."  
"What do you mean?"  
No more than five minutes after, they were standing before Riou's personal collection of books. The owner pulled one titled 'Toran Liberation War' and handed it to the still-fuming Tir.  
He exploded, almost literally.  
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? MY NAME IS TIR MCDOHL AND I LIVED IN TORAN CASTLE!"  
Everyone cringed.  
"Calm down TcDohl, I mean, Tir. Uh...maybe the historian made a mistake."  
"TORA CASTLE IS UNACCEPTABLE. I NAMED THAT CASTLE ACCORDING TO MY HOMELAND, NOT SOME BEAST*!"  
"Young Master!"  
The door opened with a click. A boy entered the room with a bunch of maps which he quickly dropped at the commotion.  
"Any problem here?"  
"Templton! Can you help me? He's having an epiphany," pleaded Riou. He pointed at the open pages, in which the name 'Master TcDohl' and 'Tora Castle' were written in bold, bright ink.  
"Oh. This."  
"You know something about this?"  
"The chronicle of Toran Liberation War was written by our librarian in Toran Castle, but I caught Juppo once or twice writing something. This must be it."  
Meanwhile, Tir was going uncontrollable.  
"I'M GOING TO SKEWER HIM! THIS IS AN INSULT!"  
"W-what happened? I thought he's calm and composed."  
Riou could felt his respect to the fellow leader crumbled at the moment.  
"Oh young master...I thought we're done with this. See Lord Riou, he started being like this ever since we met a strange old man named Aethebald something. I should've protected him from such a bad influence. Forgive me, young master!"

Behind the door, two figures emerged.  
"He's here?!" whispered Lorelai, wincing at the memories.  
"With or without Godwin, he shouldn't be free...I'm going to leave this place soon,"said Killey, and he vanished with a swish of red.

* * *

A/N :I was away for the weekend. Too bad that the last chapter was so late, eh? So this is it. I'm going to focus on more oneshots from now on, but I might do more humor piece in the future.


End file.
